It's Not Pestering, It's Parenting

Conflict sometimes comes with the job of parenting, especially when you’re talking about touchy subjects such as drug use. Experts say that to create an environment that combines talking with action, you should:

• Know what your children are doing — their activities and how they spend their time
  
• Be involved in your kids’ lives
  
• Praise and reward good behavior
  
• Set limits with clear rules and consequences for breaking them

Of course, your kids might not like your keeping tabs on where they are and what they’re doing. It won’t be a democracy, and it shouldn’t be, according to many parent experts. In the end, it’s not pestering, it’s parenting.

Questions: The Anti-Drug
Ask Who, What, When and Where

Here are other ways to know what your child is up to:

• Know where your child is when he or she is away from home. Have your kids check in with you regularly. Give them coins, a phone card or a beeper with clear usage rules. (For example, “When I beep you, I expect a call back within five minutes.”) If a beeper or cell phone is not allowed to be used in school, have your child keep one in his backpack and ask him to turn it on after school. You may have to coordinate the use of beepers and cell phones with school administrators. If your child does not have a beeper or cell phone, get the numbers of where he’ll be after school so that you can check in or have him call you at certain times so he can check in with you.
  
  
• Make a list of her activities for the coming day and put it on the fridge, on a calendar or in your wallet or pocketbook.
  
  
• Walk through your neighborhood and note where kids your child’s age hang out.
  
  
• Know your child’s friends. Have a small party at your house and invite the parents of his friends. Have his friends stay for dinner. Ask them about their parents. Make a point of meeting your child’s friends’ parents — find them at a PTA meeting, soccer practice, dance rehearsal or wherever the kids hang out.
  
  
• Work with other parents to get a list of everyone’s addresses, e-mails, and phone numbers so you can keep in touch with your child.
  
  
• Show up a little early to pick up your child so you can observe her behavior.
  
  
• Occasionally check to see that your kids are where they say they’re going to be.
  
  
• Lots of kids get in trouble with drugs right after school — from 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Try to be with your kids then, but if you can’t, make sure your child is doing something positive with an adult around: sports, jobs, clubs, after-school programs or religious youth groups. If your kids have to be at home, make sure they are doing homework or chores and not hanging out with friends.

Parenting expert Phillippe Cunningham, Ph.D., recommends working to maintain a warm bond with your child. This builds up “credit” with your child so that when you have to punish him or her or set limits, it’s less stressful. With that strong bond, your child will most likely see your rule or punishment as an act of love. A strong bond can be developed by taking advantage of times when you can notice your child’s strengths (when they’re in a play, a music recital or on the football field) or when you can “catch them being good” (such as treating a sibling nicely or volunteering to do a household chore).

Table of Contents | Previous | Next