Opening Lines of Communication

First, you listen.

It’s important to take time to listen to your kids. Try to find time to be with your child when he or she asks to talk to you. Don’t say “in just a minute” or “not right now.” Devote your attention to what your son or daughter is saying, because kids know when you’re pretending to listen.

Some ideas for good listening:

• Ask open-ended questions that encourage conversation. Avoid questions that kids can answer with a simple yes or no.
  
• Make it clear that you are listening and trying to understand your child’s point of view. When your child describes events, repeat what you think your child has just told you.

To show that you are listening, you can also use phrases such as the following:

• “Sounds like you’re saying..."
  
• “Do you mean that...”
  
• “When that happens to me, I feel like...Is it like that for you too?”
  
• “Are you saying...”
  
• “I’m having a hard time understanding what you’re saying. What do you mean?”

When they use words or slang that you don’t understand, ask them to explain. Establish regular weekly “together time” in which you and your child do something alone with each other that allows your child to talk. It doesn’t have to be elaborate — just taking a walk or going out for ice cream can be a chance to listen. Tap into what your child is good at by having them teach you something (for example, searching the Web, dancing, fishing, etc.).

Then you talk.

You’ve listened and you’ve thought about what to say. Now comes the tough part — finding the words to say and actually starting the conversation. In this section, you’ll find some opening lines (and some follow-up lines too) recommended by Dr. Cunningham, father of Noelle, 9, and Phillippe Pete, 8. You don’t have to follow the script word for word. Find your own words and find times and places that are comfortable for you to talk, like in the car when it’s just the two of you, on walks together, or having a snack at the mall.

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